Pace Yourselves: Understanding the Next Move in a Relationship & the Objectification of Women
***The relationship can only go as fast as the slowest person. ***
Okay, we're heading in to pet peeve territory here. And this topic, for me (and every woman I know) is like a Clifford the Big Red Dog-sized pet peeve.
Most men (especially the good ones) will say that they know that women are not in fact objects, but rarely do they ever actually let their actions match up with their basic understanding. Let me give you an example.
A good friend of mine just started dating this very nice, genuine guy. He's a sweetie pie in every way. But, like I've mentioned before (here and here) men and women are on different playing fields in the world of dating, so when he finally got around to asking her out he'd been crushing on her for a good two or three weeks. She, on the other hand, hadn't really noticed him at all. But, when he asked her out she was still excited because he's such a good and fun guy.
On their first date their original plans fell through so they had to do the typical back up, watch a movie. During the movie he put his hand on her legs. She thought this oddly fast, but decided that it was relatively harmless. Then when he left he gave her a very long hug, like a good solid 30 seconds. That's a relationship-status hug. This threw her a little, I mean in her mind she's only really known him for a couple of days and so this felt like a bit extreme. She then let him know that he was already moving a little too fast for her. He apologized and said he'd pull back.
He then texted her every day, wanting to see her. She, and everyone else, knows that he's nice, not creepy, so she understood that he was just showing sincere interest. But, all the same, she held off a few days for a second date, letting him know upfront that she wanted to take this very slowly. Four days, three dates. Not exactly slow.
When she tried to explain that she needed him to pull back a little, he kept asking for "compromise"-- gentlemen, there is no such thing as "compromise" in the early stages of the relationship. Compromise is for monogamous, established "we're in this together" relationships.
***The relationship can only go as fast as the slowest person. ***
What is unfortunate is that he doesn't seem to be listening to her at all. She tells him what she wants, he repeats it back to her, seems to understand, and then disregards it. Dr. Matt Draper, a psychologist and relationship therapist explained that men, because of historical and societal influences, unwittingly see women as a bonus in life, something extra to themselves as opposed to people. It's easy for men to forget, if they ever even knew, that women are in fact separate beings, with thoughts, feelings, desires and goals completely separate form men.
Many of you fine men are probably shaking your heads and saying that this isn't true of you, but in all likeliness it is. I don't mean this to belittle or acuse, I merely recognize that change cannot come with out recognition that there is a problem. And this is a problem.
Out of my dating experience, the majority of the men I've dated have been wonderful, impressive, kindhearted men. Almost all of them have wanted nothing but my happiness and sense of safety, but in the end they all treated me as if I didn't have a mind or a heart of my own. It always seemed beyond their understanding (even when I painted it out in blunt black and white) that I did not always want what they wanted, when they wanted it.
It's called the catch up phase boys, you need to let the girl you wish to be with catch up to where you are. Give her time and the respect she deserves. You wouldn't want a girl to back you into a relationship corner and confuse you into commitment, so don't do that to her. Just be AWARE of your actions and what they mean.
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