Subtle Abuse
It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Personally I think we should always be aware of this overwhelming and expansive problem. This month I want to talk about various types of abuse, often time overlooked.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) 85% of all physical violence perpetrated in an intimate relationship is directed at women. Men fill the rest at 15%. There are no definitive statistics about verbal or emotional abuse. If there were I wouldn't be wholly surprised if much of it were men getting verbally slapped around in higher numbers than women. If not, the numbers would probably be closer to 50/50.
The other day in my Death and Dying class we talked about various types of abuse in intimate relationships (intimate: characterized by or involving a sense of warm friendship, particularly close, or privately established relationships). We discussed how abuse starts and how to identify abusive tendencies.
Often when the concept of abuse comes up it conjures images of battered and raped women and children, or a vicious verbal abuse connected with shouting or yelling. These are certainly serious forms of abuse, but because they are so extreme they often eclipse other forms of abuse, thus providing a hiding place for all the others.
Abuse takes on many forms, and many times the abuser isn't fully conscious that he or she is being abusive. We're trained from an early age to accept many forms of abuse as acceptable, commonplace and even in many cases romantic.
Think about the story of Beauty and the Beast. Little girls are taught that he's just misunderstood, if you're just patient he'll come around, he's just in love with you and doesn't know how to cope. No. Girls, the Beast is crazy. Or think of the Phantom of the Opera. I remember the first time I saw it I was about 16 or 17 years old. Honestly, I originally wanted her to pick the Phantom not Raul. Like a typical girl defined by sad Western culture I felt sorry for him and thought how much he loved Christine and how he just had such a hard life and maybe she could help him be better and happy. No. He's a freaking psychotic murderer.
Problem with being raised in these culturally defining ideals little girls are taught that it's okay if he's mean and belittling, he just needs a little TLC and he'll change. (I mean did you see what the Beast looked like when he became human? Dang.) And little boys are taught that to be strong men they need to be intense, violent and domineering.
Now, I recognize that not all men turn into psychotic murderers for love and control like the Phantom, and that not all women are mindless drones like Christine, but these attitudes still intensely prevail.
Not too long ago a boy told me that he would be the only guy to ever invest in me and my happiness and that no other would ever love me like he would. Mean. Manipulative. Not okay. And most of all, not true.
According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) 85% of all physical violence perpetrated in an intimate relationship is directed at women. Men fill the rest at 15%. There are no definitive statistics about verbal or emotional abuse. If there were I wouldn't be wholly surprised if much of it were men getting verbally slapped around in higher numbers than women. If not, the numbers would probably be closer to 50/50.
The other day in my Death and Dying class we talked about various types of abuse in intimate relationships (intimate: characterized by or involving a sense of warm friendship, particularly close, or privately established relationships). We discussed how abuse starts and how to identify abusive tendencies.
Often when the concept of abuse comes up it conjures images of battered and raped women and children, or a vicious verbal abuse connected with shouting or yelling. These are certainly serious forms of abuse, but because they are so extreme they often eclipse other forms of abuse, thus providing a hiding place for all the others.
Abuse takes on many forms, and many times the abuser isn't fully conscious that he or she is being abusive. We're trained from an early age to accept many forms of abuse as acceptable, commonplace and even in many cases romantic.
Think about the story of Beauty and the Beast. Little girls are taught that he's just misunderstood, if you're just patient he'll come around, he's just in love with you and doesn't know how to cope. No. Girls, the Beast is crazy. Or think of the Phantom of the Opera. I remember the first time I saw it I was about 16 or 17 years old. Honestly, I originally wanted her to pick the Phantom not Raul. Like a typical girl defined by sad Western culture I felt sorry for him and thought how much he loved Christine and how he just had such a hard life and maybe she could help him be better and happy. No. He's a freaking psychotic murderer.
Problem with being raised in these culturally defining ideals little girls are taught that it's okay if he's mean and belittling, he just needs a little TLC and he'll change. (I mean did you see what the Beast looked like when he became human? Dang.) And little boys are taught that to be strong men they need to be intense, violent and domineering.
Now, I recognize that not all men turn into psychotic murderers for love and control like the Phantom, and that not all women are mindless drones like Christine, but these attitudes still intensely prevail.
Not too long ago a boy told me that he would be the only guy to ever invest in me and my happiness and that no other would ever love me like he would. Mean. Manipulative. Not okay. And most of all, not true.
He attempted to say it in a "romantic" way, all flowered up, but I'm not an idiot and I don't have low self-esteem. I don't believe that he's it for me, and I don't believe in soul mates. People fall in love all the time, over and over again. So I set him straight.
As ladies we try our very best to be as kind and as soft as we can, and that's good. But often in the attempt to not be hurtful we get walked all over and we beat around the bush and before too long everyone is all mashed up and hurt, not to mention confused.
Please ladies, don't take abuse in any of its forms, even the harder to detect: emotional and mental. Stick up for yourself, recognize your value. Be honest and straight-forward. It'll be good for you and good for him. We all learn from our mistakes by knowing first when we've made them. Help the boy to learn and then move on.
Love is as love does. It isn't love to let someone hurt you; it's not love from him, and it's definitely not love from you. No one defines you as much as you define yourself. Remember that. And remember that you deserve the very best: a nice boy who is trying and is being sincere.
And gentlemen and ladies please, oh please think before you speak. We all have the innate ability to be subtly abusive. Don't break someone down by making them question or think less of themselves. Be careful to know if you are saying something degrading. It isn't hard.
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