Getting Over a Break Up (then Getting Over Getting Over a Break Up)
For my 100th post (crazy right?!-- well not so much considering this is my 21st post this month) I thought I'd write about something I've learned over the last few years.
I've been in love a grand total of three times in my life. As you may have observed, none of those were "happily ever after" stories. But I must say, it's after and I'm pretty happy, so I'm living a happily ever after all the same.
Because I've had my fair share of heartbreak and confusion (oh knock on wood! I worry about saying "fair share") I figure instead of just commenting on it, I'd be productive and helpful and talk about what I learned.
These three love experiences have been pretty varied. The first case was a case of me finding out he didn't love me back by simultaneously finding out that I was one of two girlfriends, and when he had to choose between us he chose the other Nicole (yes we have the same name). The second was a case of me breaking up with him even though I didn't want to, but knew I should (maybe the worst kind of breakup). And the third was a sad and pitiful story of me being in love terribly and horribly alone, getting dragged along and then finally letting go.
Any of these sound familiar to you? Then read on my battle-beaten friend, read on. And if you have insights of your own, comment below.
1.) Give yourself time. There is this peculiar desire we get after a break up to go out and immediately find someone else. Maybe it's to prove something, maybe it's because we're not used to being alone and don't like it, either way just give yourself some space. If you don't you'll end up in unsavory situations or hurting someone else.
Remember time is relative, if it takes longer than you want, oh well deal with it. No one wants to be the rebound. There is one guy I dated when I was in rebound mode and I regret how I treated him and how hurt he was when I was finished with him.
Also, give yourself time and space away from things that remind you of your ex and those "happy days." If you go down memory lane you'll just rip open the wounds and either feel angrier, more sad, or think that you should get back together, and it's just not worth it.
2.) Make New Memories: Now that you've avoided places associated with dating your former and some time has passed, go back to those places with a group of friends. Go back frequently. Make new memories so that you won't automatically associate everything and everywhere with the past. Trust me, it'll suck at first, but it's worth it in the end.
3.) Date Sparingly: Pretend for a little while that you're 16 again-- no serious dating. Be careful not to get in a relationship too soon afterwards. Also don't date people you may be seriously interested in or that remind you of your ex.
Why? 1- You aren't really in a place to make a commitment, so don't be dumb, 2- You could hurt the other person and 3- More often than not the people you're attracted to after a bad break up are people you know it'd never work with, because subconsciously you choose people you know it shouldn't and wouldn't work with; problem is that if you start dating someone like that seriously you may end up confusing yourself and them and that's when dangerous and doomed marriages begin. This is often a problem more so with men than women, so just be careful.
4.) Don't Villanize or Saint Your Ex: It's weird how our brains try to sort out how we feel about this person who consumed our thoughts and feelings for so long. It seems that one of two things happen:
I've been in love a grand total of three times in my life. As you may have observed, none of those were "happily ever after" stories. But I must say, it's after and I'm pretty happy, so I'm living a happily ever after all the same.
Because I've had my fair share of heartbreak and confusion (oh knock on wood! I worry about saying "fair share") I figure instead of just commenting on it, I'd be productive and helpful and talk about what I learned.
These three love experiences have been pretty varied. The first case was a case of me finding out he didn't love me back by simultaneously finding out that I was one of two girlfriends, and when he had to choose between us he chose the other Nicole (yes we have the same name). The second was a case of me breaking up with him even though I didn't want to, but knew I should (maybe the worst kind of breakup). And the third was a sad and pitiful story of me being in love terribly and horribly alone, getting dragged along and then finally letting go.
Any of these sound familiar to you? Then read on my battle-beaten friend, read on. And if you have insights of your own, comment below.
1.) Give yourself time. There is this peculiar desire we get after a break up to go out and immediately find someone else. Maybe it's to prove something, maybe it's because we're not used to being alone and don't like it, either way just give yourself some space. If you don't you'll end up in unsavory situations or hurting someone else.
Remember time is relative, if it takes longer than you want, oh well deal with it. No one wants to be the rebound. There is one guy I dated when I was in rebound mode and I regret how I treated him and how hurt he was when I was finished with him.
Also, give yourself time and space away from things that remind you of your ex and those "happy days." If you go down memory lane you'll just rip open the wounds and either feel angrier, more sad, or think that you should get back together, and it's just not worth it.
2.) Make New Memories: Now that you've avoided places associated with dating your former and some time has passed, go back to those places with a group of friends. Go back frequently. Make new memories so that you won't automatically associate everything and everywhere with the past. Trust me, it'll suck at first, but it's worth it in the end.
3.) Date Sparingly: Pretend for a little while that you're 16 again-- no serious dating. Be careful not to get in a relationship too soon afterwards. Also don't date people you may be seriously interested in or that remind you of your ex.
Why? 1- You aren't really in a place to make a commitment, so don't be dumb, 2- You could hurt the other person and 3- More often than not the people you're attracted to after a bad break up are people you know it'd never work with, because subconsciously you choose people you know it shouldn't and wouldn't work with; problem is that if you start dating someone like that seriously you may end up confusing yourself and them and that's when dangerous and doomed marriages begin. This is often a problem more so with men than women, so just be careful.
4.) Don't Villanize or Saint Your Ex: It's weird how our brains try to sort out how we feel about this person who consumed our thoughts and feelings for so long. It seems that one of two things happen:
- You try to make them the bad guy. It's painful to think that a good, loving person wouldn't want to be with you, so to deal with the pain, embarrassment and disappointment you see all the negative all the time. We do this as a form of self-preservation, to make it all okay. Well, chances are, unless they were abusive, intentionally mean, or completely (and I mean completely) selfish, then they were probably just a person trying their best and their best just wasn't good enough anymore.
- You grant them sainthood. This is a bizarre phenomenon that I don't understand. Sometimes we like to romanticize the past, only think of the good. Problem with this is that they probably really weren't all that wonderful. Nobody really is. Chances are they were just a person trying their best and that includes the mess ups. If you never acknowledge their mistakes and the things they did that were hurtful or made you incompatible then you'll never really get over it.
5.) Don't Go Back: One of the meanest things someone ever told me when I had to break up with love #2 (the one I didn't want to end it with but knew I needed to) was that, "maybe the timing is off. Maybe you both just need to learn things away from each other. Maybe in a year or so you'll get back together." Well, time went by and he married someone else and I had to feel the break up all over again. Problem is when you think like that:
- You don't grow from the experience and you just wait.
- You may start to count on it, or hope for it and thus not move on and then when they move on and marry someone else you're going to have to cope with the pain you could just cope with now and not worry later.
As my friend says, "When you have spoiled milk you can't just put it back in the fridge and then take it out later expecting it to not be spoiled anymore." Waiting won't get you anywhere, the faster you learn that the better. It didn't work out the fist time for a reason, that reason will still stand later.
6.) Don't "Stay Friends": it won't be honest or authentic, and life is already jam-packed with uncertainty to add to it, Let them go and let them let you go.
So take a few deep breaths and let the healing begin. But remember that you ultimately decide your pain threshold and you decide when to let things go. Happy healing.
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