Breaking Down Walls
A couple of my loveliest readers left a couple of good questions on my post "Lean into the Discomfort" here is the answer to Ansel Leigh's question. Proceed knowing that I'm no professional.
How to Break Down Those [Imaginary] Walls:
I wish I were more confident on this subject, it's still shaky ground for me, but I'm learning, and I know how it feels to wish you had a road map or some kind of strategy to be better, but I don't, none of us really do, but let me tell you what I've learned.
#1.) Fist and foremost you absolutely must figure out what your "walls" are.
You need to analyze what gives you that discomfort. Because if you don't know what gives you discomfort, you can't lean into it.
Now let me take a minute to define what I mean by "discomfort"-- I think there are two types of fear that we have in our lives. The first one comes from our spiritual self, that part of us that has lived forever and has deep wisdom, that part of us that knows God and wants back into His presence. That fear is important and we need to be keen to it. It's the kind of fear that tells you that something is dangerous (physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally). It's a warning system, and it should never be ignored. It's beautiful and useful.
The second type of fear comes from the "natural man" or in psychology terms, the ego. That part that thinks it can protect itself from inconsequential things like embarrassment, shame, failure, and hurt. This is that nagging voice that tells you that you're not good enough so you shouldn't try. It's that fear and discomfort that I'm talking about here.
Every year around my birthday I make goals (as many goals as I am years old), I decide what little things I can do to become a better person. For my current goals click here. There were two goals on that list that I've thought about putting down for years, but I just couldn't seem to actually physically write them down, because they scared me. The first was ask a boy on a date (I know, I'm lame), the second was to learn to swim.
With the first goal, I'd say I'm halfway there. I sorta asked a boy on a date, but looking back now I don't think he fully realizes that's what I did. I was a bit weefy when I did it. But it was a step, a baby step. Sometimes that's how you got to do it, little steps in the right direction. One of these days I'll take a bigger step and be more obvious, but what I did so far was a big deal for me. So if you asked this question because you want to break down walls that surround your romantic self I would suggest finding something that scares you about dating and make yourself dive into it. Get messy, because there is a pretty good chance you'll be the only person to notice the mess.
With the second goal, the whole swimming thing, I set this up with the dating thing because I believe in balance and consistency. I'm a bit... intimidated by water. I'm not my most sure self in the water, which is something that I hate about myself. I'm going to be taking swimming lessons at school this coming spring semester... which just sounds embarrassing to me, but a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.
It's good to take this advice into all areas of your life. If you can make yourself do scary things in one area of your life it'll be easier to do it in another.
#2.) Do Something that has No Guarantee of Reward in the End
We all love that scene in chick flicks where the girl or guy lays it all on the line and just says what he or she is actually thinking/feeling, that part when she or he doesn't care if it's not going to end with a hug and a kiss, but hopes that it does. We love that part because we wish we were more that way. But for the vast majority of us, that's not our forte.
We all want the reward with no real work, but life isn't a get rich quick scheme. We can't actually expect to get what we want out of life without making some sacrifices for it.
That's easier said than done, I know, but in life, like in eating an elephant, it's best to start small. Don't think that you're going to be Meredith Grey telling Derek Shepherd that he should pick you, choose you, love you
and you're definitely not going to be Justin Timberlake in that movie where he gets dancers to show up at the exact right time to dance for Mila Kunis at Grand Central Station. But, good news, you don't have to be.
Just be willing to put yourself out there not expecting anything in return. There is a saying in social network marketing that says, "if you can't take a 'no' you don't have the right to ask the question." I think that has everything to do with every other aspect of our lives. If a "no" is not okay with you, you certainly aren't ready for a "yes."
Find some small way that you can be of service, create something, or put yourself out on a ledge. Even if you fall off and there is no one to catch you, or if you fail, or if no one notices what you've done and you can't believe that that's possible because it was so big for you, know that it's okay because in the doing and trying you've made great progress.
#3.) Be Willing to Really be Seen
I'm infatuated with the concept of truly being "seen" lately. We spend so much time pretending to be something we're not, at work, around peers, with authority figures of all kinds. It sucks, to put it mildly. I get so sick of the charade of it all. I want to be seen for who I really am.
We're taught from a young age to fit into molds and to be this person that everyone else expects us to be. It's sad. But we crave being known, being authentic. My suggestion on how to do this: spend some time with yourself in silence.
That sounds totally crazy, but it's not. I believe that silence is the best way to figure yourself out, which is probably why we avoid it so much. So put away the iPod, turn off the TV, let your friends and roommates go out without you for awhile. At first it will feel foreign and you won't know what to do, but after the pacing and random talking to yourself is over you'll calm down and hear yourself.
I'm being serious. Don't try and fill that time with anything else, not even Yoga, unless you're a yogi and a master of meditation (and if you are this silence thing makes perfect sense to you).
You can't be seen and understood authentically by anyone else until you see yourself. And you can't break down walls and emotional barriers until you know, deep down, why you want to.
I hope this was helpful. If any of you out there in blogger-land have you're own ways of breaking down walls to be free please share in the comment space below! I'd love the advice!
How to Break Down Those [Imaginary] Walls:
I wish I were more confident on this subject, it's still shaky ground for me, but I'm learning, and I know how it feels to wish you had a road map or some kind of strategy to be better, but I don't, none of us really do, but let me tell you what I've learned.
#1.) Fist and foremost you absolutely must figure out what your "walls" are.
You need to analyze what gives you that discomfort. Because if you don't know what gives you discomfort, you can't lean into it.
Now let me take a minute to define what I mean by "discomfort"-- I think there are two types of fear that we have in our lives. The first one comes from our spiritual self, that part of us that has lived forever and has deep wisdom, that part of us that knows God and wants back into His presence. That fear is important and we need to be keen to it. It's the kind of fear that tells you that something is dangerous (physically, mentally, spiritually or emotionally). It's a warning system, and it should never be ignored. It's beautiful and useful.
The second type of fear comes from the "natural man" or in psychology terms, the ego. That part that thinks it can protect itself from inconsequential things like embarrassment, shame, failure, and hurt. This is that nagging voice that tells you that you're not good enough so you shouldn't try. It's that fear and discomfort that I'm talking about here.
Every year around my birthday I make goals (as many goals as I am years old), I decide what little things I can do to become a better person. For my current goals click here. There were two goals on that list that I've thought about putting down for years, but I just couldn't seem to actually physically write them down, because they scared me. The first was ask a boy on a date (I know, I'm lame), the second was to learn to swim.
With the first goal, I'd say I'm halfway there. I sorta asked a boy on a date, but looking back now I don't think he fully realizes that's what I did. I was a bit weefy when I did it. But it was a step, a baby step. Sometimes that's how you got to do it, little steps in the right direction. One of these days I'll take a bigger step and be more obvious, but what I did so far was a big deal for me. So if you asked this question because you want to break down walls that surround your romantic self I would suggest finding something that scares you about dating and make yourself dive into it. Get messy, because there is a pretty good chance you'll be the only person to notice the mess.
With the second goal, the whole swimming thing, I set this up with the dating thing because I believe in balance and consistency. I'm a bit... intimidated by water. I'm not my most sure self in the water, which is something that I hate about myself. I'm going to be taking swimming lessons at school this coming spring semester... which just sounds embarrassing to me, but a girl has got to do what a girl has got to do.
It's good to take this advice into all areas of your life. If you can make yourself do scary things in one area of your life it'll be easier to do it in another.
#2.) Do Something that has No Guarantee of Reward in the End
We all love that scene in chick flicks where the girl or guy lays it all on the line and just says what he or she is actually thinking/feeling, that part when she or he doesn't care if it's not going to end with a hug and a kiss, but hopes that it does. We love that part because we wish we were more that way. But for the vast majority of us, that's not our forte.
We all want the reward with no real work, but life isn't a get rich quick scheme. We can't actually expect to get what we want out of life without making some sacrifices for it.
That's easier said than done, I know, but in life, like in eating an elephant, it's best to start small. Don't think that you're going to be Meredith Grey telling Derek Shepherd that he should pick you, choose you, love you
and you're definitely not going to be Justin Timberlake in that movie where he gets dancers to show up at the exact right time to dance for Mila Kunis at Grand Central Station. But, good news, you don't have to be.
Just be willing to put yourself out there not expecting anything in return. There is a saying in social network marketing that says, "if you can't take a 'no' you don't have the right to ask the question." I think that has everything to do with every other aspect of our lives. If a "no" is not okay with you, you certainly aren't ready for a "yes."
Find some small way that you can be of service, create something, or put yourself out on a ledge. Even if you fall off and there is no one to catch you, or if you fail, or if no one notices what you've done and you can't believe that that's possible because it was so big for you, know that it's okay because in the doing and trying you've made great progress.
#3.) Be Willing to Really be Seen
I'm infatuated with the concept of truly being "seen" lately. We spend so much time pretending to be something we're not, at work, around peers, with authority figures of all kinds. It sucks, to put it mildly. I get so sick of the charade of it all. I want to be seen for who I really am.
We're taught from a young age to fit into molds and to be this person that everyone else expects us to be. It's sad. But we crave being known, being authentic. My suggestion on how to do this: spend some time with yourself in silence.
That sounds totally crazy, but it's not. I believe that silence is the best way to figure yourself out, which is probably why we avoid it so much. So put away the iPod, turn off the TV, let your friends and roommates go out without you for awhile. At first it will feel foreign and you won't know what to do, but after the pacing and random talking to yourself is over you'll calm down and hear yourself.
I'm being serious. Don't try and fill that time with anything else, not even Yoga, unless you're a yogi and a master of meditation (and if you are this silence thing makes perfect sense to you).
You can't be seen and understood authentically by anyone else until you see yourself. And you can't break down walls and emotional barriers until you know, deep down, why you want to.
I hope this was helpful. If any of you out there in blogger-land have you're own ways of breaking down walls to be free please share in the comment space below! I'd love the advice!
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