A Victim of My Own Optimism

I'm far more optimistic than people give me credit for.  People think I'm a downer because I don't smile much.  Well, to them I have two things to say: 1.) Who walks around with a permanent smile on their faces? That's weird. 2.) If I'm not smiling around you, maybe it's you not me.

After talking with most of my girl friends I have come to the realization for the first time ever that it's pretty average for a girl to feel that marriage will never happen for her because she cannot imagine a man actually falling in love with her.  Nervousness and awkwardness ensues and dating fails.  This is not a feeling that I've ever been accustomed to, and I can, in no way, relate.

I am so big-headed when it comes to dating and falling in love that I am quite sincerely surprised when guys aren't in love with me. I see no reason why they shouldn't be. I know that sounds funny, but my problem is not thinking that I'm not lovable or worthy, it is that I fully expect to be loved and so when I'm not I'm left terribly confused and horribly blindsided.

I'm weird I know, but I don't get why some people spend so much time thinking about how they may never be loved, that sounds exhausting, not to mention depressing. I spend time worrying that I won't love him enough, or that I won't be in the right emotional place at the right time.

Maybe I feel this way because, thus far, that's been the majority of my experiences.  Even though I am a victim of optimism, and thus disappointed by my own high expectations I like to think that at the very least, that I'm more in control, because I'm more worried about my half of the relationship as opposed to his half.

You cannot control the behavior of others, but you can control your own.  So earn some good love karma points by giving love and expecting happiness.