The Whole Package

The “whole package” fulfills someone:

1.      Spiritually (uplifting, encouraging, good influence, spiritually compatible, "equally yoked")
2.      Emotionally/mentally (mentally stimulating, emotionally encouraging; similar education etc.) 
3.      Socially (proud to been seen in public w/other; feels socially safe, etc.)  
4.      Physically (physically matched; sexually attractive, etc.)

Have you ever played the “Who Won?” game with wedding announcements? (Deciding which is the uglier of the two and thus he/she won.) Horribly rude, but I do it all the time.  It seems to me that 7 times out of 10 the man wins, 1 time out of 10 the woman wins, and 2 times out of 10 they are equally matched (physically that is).

It seems odd to me that more times than not the men get the “whole package” while women get the shorter end of the stick (sorry to those offended—my blog, my opinions).  I think this happens largely due to various reasons, such as:

1.     Men are lazy and fulfilling all four areas for his lady can be difficult and it takes too much effort. This can also be blamed on the woman for allowing it.

2.     Men only concentrate on 1-2 of the areas in the women they choose and thus short change themselves.

3.     Men reach. Men believe (and are supported by history, culture and society) that they absolutely deserve the whole package without thinking about or caring whether or not they themselves are the whole package (but why would you if you’ve never had to think or worry about it?).

4.     Women settle. Lucky for men, women can/will only wait around so long before the desire for a commitment and family becomes so strong that they will go for the guy who offers it whether or not he’s actually what she is looking for.

Innately everyone wants someone to help fulfill or encourage him or her emotionally/mentally, spiritually, physically and socially. It can vary from person to person which order of importance those four aspects take, but everyone wants them fulfilled.

I was talking about this with my mom and she said it was like Elder Dallin H. Oaks’ concept of the Good, Better, Best rule of life.  I mentioned to my mom how so many [women] settle for what they are offered as opposed as to waiting and doing the work to get a better deal, and I said that many [women] usually get ¼ to ½ of what they want/need (based on the four areas of personal need).  She said that the people who do the work (both in finding someone and making themselves better) eventually find their best match because they refuse to settle.  People who settle for less or mismanage their dating time, focusing on the wrong things, often get much less than their best match, and can only hope that they are with a good match (if not better) for themselves.

I had a friend who when I asked her if she loved her then fiancé (now husband) she responded, “sometimes.”  Ladies! That is not the right answer! I asked her what she liked and disliked about their relationship, her likes included that he complimented her a lot and that she knew he thought the world of her and that was about it.  Her dislikes: he didn’t like her spending time with people if he wasn’t there, he didn’t take very good care of himself physically but criticized what she ate, and he didn’t seem wholly invested in the spiritual things that defined her life.  But he offered her security and compliments and no one else “better” came around. 

She isn’t my only friend who has married a guy while feeling that way about him.  It sounds foolish, but for them they didn’t see any other concrete way of getting the family they wanted. I cannot fathom this, not logically, not emotionally, and not even sympathetically.

I was talking to a girl the other day who said that she worried she would never marry because she didn’t know that any man would love her enough to want to marry her.  That is tragic, and that is why girls marry guys they don’t love.  That can’t be an agreeable marriage for either party.  Men who marry girls “out of their league” spend so much time “not believing that she’d be interested in him” that they don’t look at the health of the relationship, and that desire for that perfect-on-paper wife often removes logic, landing that man in an unhappy marriage.

If I fear never getting married it is because I fear that I’ll never love a man enough to marry him.  I want the whole package.  I want everything.  And if I marry it will be because I feel that I have found it.