Dating Fears Debunked
In this class of classes the teacher asked what we fear about the dating process, these are a few of the answers:
1.) Rejection
2.) Commitment
3.) The Sheer Expense of it All
4.) Awkwardness
5.) Actually Finding the Right One and Having to do Something About it
6.) Embarrassment
7.) Being Judged
8.) Messing Up a Good Thing
9.) Getting Hurt
Now, I do understand that on some little level these fears are justified, but I couldn't help rolling my eyes at some of them. I am a cold cold person I guess.
After making the list the teacher, a one lovely and brilliant Colleen Terry, asked what we can do to rid ourselves of these fears to which my first thought said, "Be realistic." My friends fear is unrealistic, it blows things out of proportion, that is its job. Yes, rejection, getting hurt and messing up a good thing are scary prospects and more often than not infuriating things to endure. But let's just be realistic here, rejection will happen, hurt will happen, messing up will happen. You knew that going in. So what? I know that it's easy to feel like that person was The One, you're One and you some how messed it up and will spend the rest of your life alone as consequence. Well, that's just ridiculous. Really, think about it, there are literally billions of people out there. I know we all hate the "there are lots of fish in the ocean" crap we get from people when a relationship fails, but it's true, there are. And look on the bright side, not only are there plenty of fish swimming in the sea but plenty of people walking around on the land (I know, I know, bad joke). So cry, get it over with, feel your feelings and then move on.
You're probably thinking that that is easier said than done, but let me be frank, it's exactly as easy as it sounds. Crying is annoying, embarrassing and it gives you a headache. Feeling your feelings sucks and makes you want to cry and that gives you a headache. Moving on requires you to look at your life in a different way than you did when you were with that person, which is hard and can also lead to a headache. Pain isn't easy but it'll only leave you as soon as you let it go. You choose your pain threshold.
As for awkwardness, if you are an awkward person it's usually best to embrace it. Awkwardness is funny and leads to funny stories later. Being scared of your awkwardness just makes the situation uncomfortable, but if you decide to embrace your awkwardness it may just work to your benefit. They'll more often than not see you the way you see yourself, so if you like you they are far more likely to like you too.
As for being judged, that's the name of the game. You are judging them just as much as they are judging you. As many times as someone has said, "it's not personal" in ending a dating relationships is about as many times as it was untrue. It's a personal business which is scary, but think how much scarier and depressing life would be if dating and falling in love weren't personal.
Okay, dating is expensive, I understand that. A while ago I was dating this guy and we were together for about six months when I borrowed his laptop one weekend because mine had died and sad a pitiful death. I was creating a folder when I saw a file labeled "Nicole" and I had to look at it. Inside were some photos of us and a spreadsheet of the monetary cost of our relationship. Now he's a finance guy, he likes his numbers so this didn't surprise me at all. Let's just say that the running total was enough to put me into physical pain and in the end I wasn't his best investment considering we didn't last much longer. Men, holy cow! I am sorry you have to spend so much, but let me assure you that we women aren't quite as demanding as you may think, we're okay with cheap dates. Good dates do not rely on the amount of money spent, but on the quality of conversation and fun.
And last, but most definitely not least: Actually Finding the Right One and Having to do Something About it. Quite honestly my dears I have not a clue about this one. It's my stumbling block so if you've got tips for me feel free to tip away.
Moral: Chill out and have fun.
Nicole,
ReplyDeleteI have just come across this particular post of yours and I liked the analysis you have presented on the topic. I wanted to add my own take on it and maybe even help you with your question at the end.
From my experience I learned that meeting the right person has more to do with where we need to get and who we need to become ourselves, and then there may not even be only one person that we could work with perfectly out there, but a few, once we're ready ourselves. And what exactly does it even mean to be ready? I know that it feels for many of us that we've been ready for a while (maybe right after serving our missions or graduating, or even buying our own place etc), but for myself, I didn't feel that I was ready until I gained the confidence I needed to feel enough as I was, to be happy entirely with myself and my life, as well as developing a more altruistic attitude, a greater capacity to love and care for not just for the ONE but for the world around me. Falling in love with someone is so much better when you have already fallen in love with the world.