How Looking for a Significant Other is Like Looking for a Good Roommate

This seems like one of those common sense things to me. We are so picky when it comes to choosing a roommate. All it takes is one bad roommate experience to teach us to not allow that to happen again. But with a spouse we don't usually get the "benefit" of a disastrous marriage to teach us what to look for later. At least hopefully not.

So, how do we find a good roommate? We have qualifications, we ask questions and we observe. What are we looking for?

1. Compatibility- you don't want to live with anyone for a very long time who you don't understand, who you have nothing in common with. This doesn't have to mean that you are the same person, you just have to have the same moral priorities and a few fun things you both like to do. My roommate Brittany and I are going on three years of living together. From outside snap judgements we don't make a lot of sense, but if you see how we interact with each other people can see why we have roommate magic. We both considered these things before moving in together.

2. Responsibility- And by "responsibility" I mean both taking responsibility for your own messes and plunders and also taking responsibility for the relationship. Living together is a big deal. People are who they really are at home in a way they aren't in any other situation. So when you're looking for a roommate you need to look for someone who both cleans up their own stuff, and admits to breaking the barstool. And at the same time someone who is willing to take responsibility for having your back, by saying what they really mean and listening to you too.

3. Respect- Everyone has their things that drive them crazy and we are bound to push the right buttons, even if it's by accident. You and your roommie need to be forgiving when buttons are pushed as well as actively try not to push any buttons once they learn what they are.

4. Conflict Resolution Skills- You're going to fight. You're going to have moments where you are convinced that you don't like each other and you don't want to be stuck living together anymore. Passive agression only makes things worse, and there are few scarier things than watching someone blow a casket. You need to know how your potential roommate (for life) fights, how they get mad and how quick they are to forgive and forget.

5. Expectations- Everyone inherently has expectations about just about everything. We can try not to, but we will. If you expect your roommate to wash and put away all the dishes all the time because you like to cook, and (s)he doesn't really see that as a fair trade, you're gonna have problems. Voice expectations so that the other person knows and can either live up to them or squash them flat before they have time to take roots. Don't ever expect anyone to have your expectations, so bring things up. If you can't talk about your relationship and your vision for the future you can't make it work out.

6. Pet Peeves- Hopefully you can find someone who has the same pet peeves as you. Someone who hates open cupboard doors and mugs turned right side up on the shelf (just gathering dust, ick!), but chances are you won't. Chances are you're going to have to be careful and be aware. The trick is here to be willing to be careful and to pick someone who is also willing to be careful.