Disappointment, dashed dreams and Taco Bell: A string of potentially meaningful rambles of the last 12 months

Hey guys, hey.

I'm currently sitting in a cafe, avoiding work and thinking back on the last year of my life. At the end of every year I write up a little something on the things that I learned during that year. It's a nice time to reflect and try to make meaning of the seemingly meaninglessness of life. 

Occasionally, when feeling wistful and disoriented I'll go back and read over them. (If you feel so inclined you can see 2013's here and here. Or 2012's here or 2011's here-- don't worry, that's as far back as it goes.)

Well, I am feeling pretty wistful, disoriented and downright blue today. I also realized that my 2013 list only extended through May, so unless those last seven months were empty, I'm missing something. 

So, for the third time this year, here are some things I've learn in the last 12 months (August 2013-August 2014)

Lesson #1- People are really committed to Taco Bell

Once upon a time I was the news editor for UVU's student newspaper. Such a position occasionally requires that you pick up the slack writers leave for your fellow editors. The opinions editor had such a need of me and asked if I'd give a few passing remarks on the university's decision to add a Taco Bell to campus. 

Despite what my slightly chubby frame may imply, I'm not actually a fan of fast food. I also detest loose ground beef. So, Taco Bell doesn't exactly rank high on my list of culinary treasures. Apparently I stand almost entirely alone in this. 

I was also upset by UVU's flagrant disregard for the pleadings of the vegetarian and vegan students who literally have nothing besides fruit cups and granola bars to eat on campus. So, I strung together a few choice words for my Taco Bell piece. 

Those words did not sit well with my fellow Wolverines. I was called everything from a "raging b*tch" to an "elitist hag." I guess the people have spoken: Taco Bell stays. 

Lesson #1.5: Being called a "raging b*tch" and "elitist hag" hurts

As much as I laughed off the ridiculous reaction to my tongue-in-cheek opinions article when I was around my fellow student journalists, I was not at all okay with it when left on my own. 

I felt weird walking down the halls of the school. As dumb as I knew worrying about what would happen if these people knew I was that girl from the paper was, I worried. 

I felt unsafe in a place that had always felt safe. The day the article was published and the comments came flooding in I left school early and drove home in tears. 

No one had ever called me those things before. I felt degraded, dehumanized and villainized for something that was supposed to be funny. The internet trolls really got to me. 

I don't know that I ever really recovered from that experience. UVU never felt like my second home again. 

Lesson #2: Failure is unavoidable

This is obvious. I'd like to think that on some level we all know this, but I learned this in a spectacularly disappointing way. An embarrassing way. So much so that I'm not going into details. 

I only want to say that sometimes you can feel like you're going to be the best, that you're going to rock something. You plan and build and put together a team of people to help you and in the end you're so far from success that you find yourself looking around, completely lost. 

I don't mean for this to be a downer. I'm learning that maybe failure is the only way you can learn, the only way that you'll really take a good look at your surroundings. I've been forced to look at where I am, who I am and who is still with me. And though I am unsure in my footing, I'm pretty sure I'm glad I'm here, no matter how disappointing and embarrassing it may be. 

Lesson #3: You can run, you can hide, but life will find you

That is my cryptic way of saying what I've said before: sometimes you can work hard for something, want it, get it and learn that it isn't at all what you thought it would be. Then you  just have to ask yourself if you're living honestly. Are you being your most integral self? Probably not. 

Maybe it's time to stop running.