Men Reach, Women Settle and We All End Up Hating Each Other

 

It's common knowledge that men reach and women settle. It's something we inherently understand and accommodate.

Especially in cultures were marrying young is not only the norm, but desirable (I've seen this is Utah, some Southern states, Romania, etc.) women are taught to lie to get what they want from men, and men are taught to manipulate to get what they want from women. 

I'm not saying that we're consciously taught to lie and manipulate; I don't think any woman thinks to herself, "now I'm going to tell this lie to get this guy to like me," and I don't think any man is thinking, "if I can just manipulate her into staying everything will work out," no, I don't think that. But I do think most everyone does it. 

I've found myself with guys, saying random, completely untrue things. Once I told a guy that I love sports-- there are few things less true than that statement. I know for a fact that every girl I know has found herself in a situation where she is telling some guy that she loves what he loves and thinking, "what am I saying right now?" 

Now, I am not a man so I can't say why they do what they do and what their motivations "really are," in fact, I'm not even going to go there. But I do know my experience with guys. 

Example #1- I dated this guy for a few months. It was by far the worst relationship. We were mean to each other, we brought out the worst in each other. Separately  we're both very nice people. Together we were raging maniacs. Once, after a tense fight at the local Walmart, a girl asking me if I was "okay" with him, afterward we gave each other the silent treatment for the rest of the night I thought it was about time to end things. While I was talking to him about why I thought it should end, he was trying to say that we should just "work on it." I told him that I didn't think that was a good idea. Then he said to me, "I understand, it's just that I think I could make you really happy. If we got married you could literally fly anywhere you wanted, whenever you wanted to." He was a pilot. 

Now, if you know anything about me, you know that I like to travel. If I could figure out a way to travel continuously without dying from exhaustion and malnutrition, I would. He also knew this about me. 

I don't believe that he thought to himself, "I'm going to manipulate Nicole's feelings for me by playing to her greatest weakness." No, I doubt he thought that, but I argue that he didn't have to. He's been trained that that's what needs to be done. 

Example #2- I dated this one guy for six months and things were taking a fast nose-dive. We'd been talking about the problems in our relationship for a few weeks and I'd had about enough. I decided it was time to just let it go and move on. I told him this. The next day he shows up with a pearl necklace and a metaphor about our relationship. I told him that I didn't feel comfortable accepting such an expensive gift. He said its price was part of the point. What point? He said that he hoped that the price of the gift would show me how serious he was and that it would "buy some time." 

At least pilot guy attempted to manipulate me with something I care about. Jewelry? I really couldn't care less. 

Why do we do this? It's so ugly. 

Guys get married and complain that their wives "flipped the switch" and are suddenly hyper critical of the things they claimed to love. Honey, that's because she lied. 

Women complain that they married a guy who pumped them full of empty promises. That's because you allowed yourself to be manipulated into ignoring warning signs. 

I submit that life would be better all around if we'd all be a little more authentic. So many divorced people claim that they both just changed too much, that they "grew apart." I call BS. I don't think your ex changed, I think they just started acting like who they actually are. You believed what you wanted and so did your ex. 

And on top of that, I submit that we'd all be happier if we could find it in ourselves to accept people as is and don't expect them to live up to some imaginary ideal.