Advice+Research = The Three Date Minimum

I'm thinking of starting a new "series"  called "Advice+Research." This is partly because I obsessively read research from sociological, psychological, and linguistic fields (it's out of control), especially where dating and millennilism are concerned.

I know too much. My knowledge needs an outlet to go before my brain becomes too salty.  So, when I consume something that I think will be of practical use to all y'alls, I'll put it here. Hence, Advice+Research.

In Aziz Ansari's book Modern Romance, he cites many (frustrating and fascinating) studies, one of which contained two groups of people. Those in first group were required to  go on a minimum of  three dates with anyone who asked, the other group was told to "follow their instincts" and go out as many or as few times as they wanted with whomever they wanted. The researchers found that those who were in the group with the three-date minimum  paired off into serious and committed relationships at a much higher rate than those in the "follow your instincts" group. 

Now, call me crazy, but isn't that really obvious? Yet it's something so few of us actually do. 

What is this the one date and ditch deal? It's like the merry-go-round from hell, just people jumping from horse to dragon to lion. I mean pick a seat and stick to it already. 

My social life is the perfect example of this. I've been on 47 first dates, 15 second dates and ONE third date in the last three years. (I keep very detailed journals and yes I took the time to count.) And yes, that means I haven't been in a relationship in three+ years. Judge me, I dare you.

I'm pretty sure if you tracked down those 32 guys who didn't bother with seeing me again and asked them why there was no second date, they'd say something like, "she was cool and everything, but I just wasn't feeling it."

I get it if there was nothing but awkward silences on your date or maybe you fought the whole time about whether or not "meat is murder." If that's how Date 1 goes down, then yeah, don't go for a second date because clearly it's a bad match. 

If your reasoning comes from analyzing character and lifestyle choices and it's undeniable you aren't compatible, then by all means pretend like you've never met that person, say no to a second go around all you want, but I'm pretty sure the majority of us aren't going on "worst date ever" dates all the time. 

The point is this: If you go  on a date and enjoy the conversation, for the most part, have a relatively fun time, and when asked, "how'd it go?" you answer even remotely positively-- then go on a second date! 

We millennials are (sociologically and psychologically speaking) the loneliest living generation. We're terrible at finding significant others. So maybe, just maybe, we need to take a second look at how we're going about this. 

First dates give you basically no usable information. Chances are you're nervous and have unrealistic expectations and he/she is nervous and has unrealistic expectations. There are very few substantial deal-breakers that can be gleaned from your one-hour fro-yo/ho-cho run. 

The researchers of the study above believe that more people ended up in relationships from the three-date minimum group because that is the minimum amount of time it takes to learn enough about a person to make a character call. 

And dearies, character calls are the ones that matter most.

So, to the ladies: give the guy you laughed with but shrugged your shoulders about when your friends asked about him a second date, even if "you weren't feeling it." 

And to the fellas: Ask those ladies out for a second date even if the fireworks weren't there.

Ultimate Advice: Chill out your expectations and don't worry about what a second date might "mean." A first date exists to give you the opportunity to ask yourself, "could I be with this person for another few hours a week from now and not want to curl up in a ball and give up on humanity?" And all a second date is supposed to tell you is, "could I be with this person for another few hours a week from now and not want to throw peas at her/his head?" Nothing more, nothing less. You're not there to decide if you could spend every conscious moment of eternity with him/her. So, take a deep breath and give the ladies and gentlemen you went out with a second shot. 

The Challenge: It's simple: go out on three dates! Commit to at least three dates with someone. Fellas, pick a lady and make it happen; ladies, do the same. Try it out, see if it's torture. You may just find your one and only. 

Probably no one if there are no second dates.