Being Over 25 and Single: Things that aren't supposed to be said

fo shizzle

I recently read a blogpost on why being an "older" single Mormon isn't something to complain over. I agree, for the most part. I agree that my life isn't more difficult than married people's. It's definitely not more difficult than the lives of those with children. Married-with-children-ers have stresses I don't know anything about.

Some say the great trial of singledom is being outside of the cultural norm, being lonely, wanting something you can't have, nor able to make happen on your own. I do agree, these things can be trying, but that's not really what gets me when I hit the sheets alone every night. 

Traditionally speaking, what I think is the real trial of being single is actually trying not to slip down the path of selfishness. It's tempting. There is a lot of money, chocolate and meaningless relationships down there. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the temptations that come along with a prolonged single life are looking more and more acceptable to me the older I get. I guess a part of me is scared of admitting to them primarily because then it means that I'm not the perfect person the old ladies in my ward think I am, it means I just might not be the shining citadel of truth and light that my Oakcrest girls counted on me being.  We're all supposed to be above that right? My testimony/conversion is supposed to shield me from bad thoughts and bad attitudes. Right? Alas, I call bull shizzle on that old wives tale.

So, what's so hard about being single? 

1- No sex. 

2- A life dedicated to yours truly, me. 

I was going to expound on that list, but everything I thought of was merely an appendage to those two difficulties. 

Maybe for some of you, no sex and fending off self-absorption are no big deal, but for me and a lot of people I know, it's a huge deal, it's an overwhelming, daily self-mastery deal. 

The additional problems, which stem from no sex and selfishness:

1- "Maybe marrying outside of the temple ain't so bad." 

2- "Meh, I used to want a pretty big family, now I think I'll have two kids-- only because I think everyone should have a sibling. But, I wouldn't be heartbroken to only have one." 

3- "Marriage just sounds like a hassle. There is a 50% chance of divorce anyway. Why take the risk?" 

4- "If I could just make $X..." or "I'll just pay off my student debt first, then..."  

5- "The last thing I want from life is a man to clean up after and make food for..."

6-I could go on. 

I know how bad this is. I'm a returned missionary for crying out loud! I've already been given the opportunity to go to the temple, I know how monumentally important the family unit is, but I must confess, all of these thoughts, and many others, have not just passed through, but have lingered and even taken a long vacation in my mind. 

I hate going to singles wards. I stopped a few months ago and now I just go to my family ward so I can be left alone. Bad attitude. I know. 

I get asked out by far more non-Mormons than Mormons (only to be increased by the fact that I don't go to a singles ward), and if my last few relationships, and the last few relationships my close friends are any kind of representation of what I'll get from a man of my faith, I don't really see the difference, and therefore I'm struggling to see the point. 

I also have to admit that being a wife and mother just doesn't appeal to me the way it used to. There once was a time where there was nothing I wanted more. Now, I just can't see it. I've always (and still do) admire mothers, especially the stay-at-home variety. There is a level of courage and commitment that is unique to that situation. But it's been a long time since I've been able to even imagine myself in that role, let alone know how to plan for it.

Yesterday in church we studied temple marriages and the blessing that are exclusive to them. I found myself feeling more annoyed and hurt than uplifted. (Maybe being a ministering angel forever and for always isn't such a bad deal?-- You know things are low when you're cool with that.) I didn't like being in that space. But, honestly I don't know how to get out of that space. I've been trying for years now to iron out my issues there. My faith in the family is strong, but my faith in having that perfect Mormon family is approaching non-existence. And that is frightening. 

I don't want anyone to mistake what I'm saying, I believe in the family. I think there is nothing as important as the family. We're only as strong as the families we build. I am just losing my vision for how that is supposed to look. The trial in my "extended single" years is not that "it's just so hard to not be loved by a boy who I love back," it's that I have to fight within myself to want what I have always believed to be best. 

Maybe the key is to stop complaining about being single, like the girl from that blogpost said. But  I believe to underestimate the damage that can happen in those years of being alone when so many of your peers are married off is to put yourself in a position that you most likely don't want to be in. If that isn't a real trial, then I don't know what is.