Right Time Vs Right Person
I have noticed that when people talk about getting married they talk about one of the two following things as major indicators of readiness: 1.) The "Right" Time, 2.) The "Right" Person. Both sound like legit reasons, the concept of the timing feeling right or the person feeling right... but curiously people rarely talk about them simultaneously.
Observations about the concept of "The Right Time"-
Now, this idea seems to be expressed more by men, but not exclusively. In fact it is becoming increasingly popular among [female] twenty-somethings with well thought out plans for the future. The reason for this I believe is based in the need for a.) logic and b.) control. Waiting for yourself to turn that magical age that suddenly makes you "ready for marriage" while removing that part of you that desires to "do things with your life" seems as realistic as the belief that a fairy drops dead every time someone says they don't believe in fairies.
There is no golden age for marriage. I knew of a couple in their early twenties that after being together for quite some time the girl wanted to consider marriage. After bringing this to the boy's attention he replied that "only crazy people get married this young" and that he wanted to get married at 25 years old. His theory was that he would have travelled by then, graduated, had a good job, lots of money, and would be ready to settle down at that point. Though this is common theory, it is just a theory, not a rule or law. It sounds good, sensible even, but reality is neither good nor sensible. How can anyone know where they will be emotionally, financially, and socially at any given age? Quite frankly this idea is false and far too often used as a crutch.
It's also important to remember the element of control exhibited in believing there is a "right time" for marriage. Those of us that use this method of approaching the future like to believe that marriage and settling down belong in a sequential order of a plan. Now as much as I cringe and worry over girls and boys I know who marry young who am I to say they are wrong? My cousin and his wife married not too long after high school and their marriage, though not perfect which is only natural, seems happy, loving, successful, even a little enviable. Getting married as a teen seems counterproductive, but it is most definitely not a sure recipe for failure. I have also known people who have waited until much later in life, marrying in their early thirties to someone they've known for years and watched their marriage go up in flames... and their next marriage... and their next marriage. I reiterate: there is no magical age for marriage, it shouldn't be treated as a part of a check list or something you do only when you've checked off just about everything else.
Thoughts on the idea of "The Right Person"-
S. Michael Wilcox said, "In reality choosing a partner in marriage is not a choice between right and wrong, but a decision of preference." Never truer or more realistic words spoken. The belief that there is a "right" person for you is more than a little off (please refer to the post I wrote about soul mates for further explanation). This notion of a "right one" is typically held by women... but obviously not exclusively. Once I was discussing this matter with a professor of poetry and she told me that for centuries you can find evidence of people feeling that the right one just walked into your life. Well this may feel to be true, and heck, maybe it is, but where does that leave our logic? ability to make good decisions? general freedom?
The belief in finding that one right person for you is almost always dictated by emotion and fantasy. When people believe they have found the "right person" they often find themselves saying things like, "it's different with them" or "I've never dated anyone like [insert name here] before!" As pleasant as it can be to find someone completely different from you horrible ex it's not always a sign of "rightness" or whatever it is that signs tell you.
Finding someone to live out you life with is difficult and because it's difficult we hope that it's just because you have to sift through all the wrongs to find the right. It makes us feel better to believe that our soul mate is just waiting around that pervasive corner. Honestly, that's unfair to us. True, everyone deserves to find someone to live out a happy-heavy and sad-light life with someone who makes things easier, but there isn't a magical person to do that for you.
So, no right time? No right person? Then what?
I have to believe that happiness doesn't come from logically weighing out your options in life and deciding there isn't anything better to do right now than get married. I also have to believe that happiness doesn't hang in the balance until you find that 1 in about 7 billion. We're a species of animal that has the greatest capacity to be smart, so let's use our smarts. You know you. Take that knowledge and apply it. Date a lot. Keep an open mind. Don't sit around hoping to find that one magical person. Don't put off life until you've [insert you life check list here]. Just be open to possibilities. And remember that marriage isn't a life sucking institution; marriage is supposed to be a life giving institution! So if you don't have a huge savings account, or you don't think you've had "enough" fun, or whatever it is that you've got hanging over you, don't worry so much. You can still have fun and you can still work and earn money after you get married. I've seen it.
Observations about the concept of "The Right Time"-
Now, this idea seems to be expressed more by men, but not exclusively. In fact it is becoming increasingly popular among [female] twenty-somethings with well thought out plans for the future. The reason for this I believe is based in the need for a.) logic and b.) control. Waiting for yourself to turn that magical age that suddenly makes you "ready for marriage" while removing that part of you that desires to "do things with your life" seems as realistic as the belief that a fairy drops dead every time someone says they don't believe in fairies.
There is no golden age for marriage. I knew of a couple in their early twenties that after being together for quite some time the girl wanted to consider marriage. After bringing this to the boy's attention he replied that "only crazy people get married this young" and that he wanted to get married at 25 years old. His theory was that he would have travelled by then, graduated, had a good job, lots of money, and would be ready to settle down at that point. Though this is common theory, it is just a theory, not a rule or law. It sounds good, sensible even, but reality is neither good nor sensible. How can anyone know where they will be emotionally, financially, and socially at any given age? Quite frankly this idea is false and far too often used as a crutch.
It's also important to remember the element of control exhibited in believing there is a "right time" for marriage. Those of us that use this method of approaching the future like to believe that marriage and settling down belong in a sequential order of a plan. Now as much as I cringe and worry over girls and boys I know who marry young who am I to say they are wrong? My cousin and his wife married not too long after high school and their marriage, though not perfect which is only natural, seems happy, loving, successful, even a little enviable. Getting married as a teen seems counterproductive, but it is most definitely not a sure recipe for failure. I have also known people who have waited until much later in life, marrying in their early thirties to someone they've known for years and watched their marriage go up in flames... and their next marriage... and their next marriage. I reiterate: there is no magical age for marriage, it shouldn't be treated as a part of a check list or something you do only when you've checked off just about everything else.
Thoughts on the idea of "The Right Person"-
S. Michael Wilcox said, "In reality choosing a partner in marriage is not a choice between right and wrong, but a decision of preference." Never truer or more realistic words spoken. The belief that there is a "right" person for you is more than a little off (please refer to the post I wrote about soul mates for further explanation). This notion of a "right one" is typically held by women... but obviously not exclusively. Once I was discussing this matter with a professor of poetry and she told me that for centuries you can find evidence of people feeling that the right one just walked into your life. Well this may feel to be true, and heck, maybe it is, but where does that leave our logic? ability to make good decisions? general freedom?
The belief in finding that one right person for you is almost always dictated by emotion and fantasy. When people believe they have found the "right person" they often find themselves saying things like, "it's different with them" or "I've never dated anyone like [insert name here] before!" As pleasant as it can be to find someone completely different from you horrible ex it's not always a sign of "rightness" or whatever it is that signs tell you.
Finding someone to live out you life with is difficult and because it's difficult we hope that it's just because you have to sift through all the wrongs to find the right. It makes us feel better to believe that our soul mate is just waiting around that pervasive corner. Honestly, that's unfair to us. True, everyone deserves to find someone to live out a happy-heavy and sad-light life with someone who makes things easier, but there isn't a magical person to do that for you.
So, no right time? No right person? Then what?
I have to believe that happiness doesn't come from logically weighing out your options in life and deciding there isn't anything better to do right now than get married. I also have to believe that happiness doesn't hang in the balance until you find that 1 in about 7 billion. We're a species of animal that has the greatest capacity to be smart, so let's use our smarts. You know you. Take that knowledge and apply it. Date a lot. Keep an open mind. Don't sit around hoping to find that one magical person. Don't put off life until you've [insert you life check list here]. Just be open to possibilities. And remember that marriage isn't a life sucking institution; marriage is supposed to be a life giving institution! So if you don't have a huge savings account, or you don't think you've had "enough" fun, or whatever it is that you've got hanging over you, don't worry so much. You can still have fun and you can still work and earn money after you get married. I've seen it.
Nicole, you are a wise women. I feel blessed by your nuggets of knowledge.
ReplyDeleteA lot of good points - my favorite being "keep an open mind" and "be open to possibilities". I know too many women my age and older that have decided they want to travel or finish their degree or their needs are currently being met by their best friends and they simply don't think they need a man. But eventually...they finish traveling, they finish their degrees, their friends get married and don't have as much time to play the surrogate boyfriend/husband role anymore and they mourn the great guys they passed on while they were checking items off their lists. Surprise! The older one gets the more people your same age are married, or are on their 2nd marriage, or have 3 kids from 3 marriages...etc. etc. Things only get more complicated.
ReplyDeleteMissed opportunities are some of my least favorite kind of regrets.