Officially too old and finally understanding the "friendzone"

*Disclaimer: I don't blog about my failure of a romantic life to garner sympathy or to complain about men. This is actually somewhat embarrassing and painful for me.  When I do decide something is worth mentioning it's an attempt to help all of you stuck in the dating world remember that there is a person on the other end of your experiences, a human being who has feelings about what is happening (or not happening). We could all use a little more compassion and humanity in the way we deal with each other. Anyway, on to the main event.

I think I've finally figured out the "friendzone." 

This feels like a major cultural breakthrough for me. For years, I have been baffled by the whole concept. It just seemed like an exaggerated reality that men complain about when they don't get what they want from women. 

Note: I still think this, but I now appreciate where it comes from--or where I think it comes from.

 I now realize (thanks to a Daniel Radcliffe quote and a recent dating experience) that the "friendzone" is, in reality, the ultimate example of the key difference between how men and women approach the same situation. 

Daniel Radcliffe, while promoting his movie What If (2013), talked about how the "friendzone" is complete crap and that it's just a bunch of guys complaining about how girls they like won't have sex with them. 

Many guys take the "friendzone" as the ultimate insult. 

Interestingly enough, Radcliffe also pointed out that you never hear women complaining about being "friendzoned"<-- and that, my friends, is where the cake lies. 

And here is where my story comes into play. Watch this video of Dustin Hoffman talking about his experience while working on Tootsie (1982) for some framing. 

I'm pretty, I know that, I don't worry about that, but that doesn't mean I haven't experienced the unfair bias Dustin Hoffman talked about in that interview. 

I am baffled by the list of requirements guys have to be interested in a girl enough to date her. 

Yet, women get ragged on for being too picky and having crazy expectations of men. 

I know a lot of single ladies well, I've talked dating with just about all of them and I know how women talk about men. I have to say that, on the whole, women are looking for guys with good character. Sure, we'd like someone who's handsome, but most women take less attractive good guys over the alternative. 

But, what really bothers me isn't so much about dating exactly, it's how when a girl doesn't measure up to a guy's expectations, she suddenly isn't worth knowing. Not even as a friend.  (Do you see where I'm going with this?)

I've been "not enough..." and "too much..." for a lot of guys.  

I've been too tall, too fat, too talkative, not talkative enough, too smart, not smart enough, too young, too religious, not religious enough, etc.  

Most recently, I have been marked as too old.  (I'm 28 and will be 29 in 77 days.)

I was recently taken on a date by a great guy. We had what I interpreted as a fun time. We were already talking about other things we should do on later dates.  There was that good static-y feeling in the air when a positive connection is being made. It was one of those awesome instant "at ease" but still hoping to impress each other vibes that is so rare. 

I knew he was a fair few years younger than me, which may not have been ideal (I have no desire to be called a "cougar," BYU and I are not friends), but I thought he was fun, intelligent and interesting so I decided not to dwell on it.  Age gaps close fast, just give 'em time. (That's something I've learned in my old age.)

He also knew I was older, but turns out he didn't know exactly how much older. (He thought I was 3ish years younger than I am.)

I picked up on his miscalculation pretty early in the date. I foolishly hoped that age wouldn't directly come up because I knew it might be a little too weird for him to handle and I really wanted him to give me a few dates worth of his time before he decided I was too much of an old hag. 

As he was driving me home, he asked the question I really didn't want to come up: when did I graduate from high school? 

I couldn't avoid a direct question. I was bummed to see that he was very obviously shocked (read disgusted) at how much "older" I am. 

Instantly the whole vibe of the night changed. We had the most awkward doorstep scene of all time. 

The fantastic date was ruined. No second chance. My shiny veneer disappeared and he glimpsed the decrepit old woman I really am underneath the magic spell that keeps me looking youthful and pretty. 

And that was that folks. 

I can understand that things can shift and a single revelation can change how you see someone. It can't always be helped. 

Call me crazy though if I assumed that those things should be more character-based as opposed to something trivial and uncontrollable as age. I mean we're both in our 20s. But alas, it's painfully clear he's no longer interested. 

Just like that. A 20-second conversation about when I left high school overrode all my attractive qualities. 

I could handle him not wanting to go out with me again. No big deal. I'm a big girl, I've dealt with rejection numerous times.  (I mean I've been dating about as long as he's been in the double-digit age range.) I am fully aware that he doesn't owe me romantic interest, but the two times I've seen him since, he's gone out of his way to avoid me. Both times happened within 48 hours of our date.

How is it that I'm no longer worth knowing? Not even on a relatively superficial level that exists from knowing the same people and occasionally showing up at the same party/event? Really? 

Really?

We have mutual friends and acquaintances. We go to the same church. We are pretty much guaranteed to run into each other at least once (if not two-three times) a week. 

Where's my "friendzone" huh? I would like to be "friendzoned,"  it would make this situation 100% less awkward and stupid. 

This is where the division lies. For most men, the worst outcome to a seemingly successful date is being "friendzoned." For me (and a lot of other girls), the worst outcome to a seemingly successful date is being ignored. 

What I don't get is why being put in the "friendzone" is so bad. At least that girl is telling you that she likes you enough as a human being to continue knowing you and acknowledging your existence. Unlike these guys I've gone out with who seemed to like me enough to:

• get up the nerve to call me on the phone 
• plan a date 
• spend hours laughing and talking with me 
• spend money on me 

But when I don't fit in the box they had labeled for me, they think it's socially acceptable to treat me as if I'm invisible?

Really, which is preferable? Being faced with the intolerable awkwardness of inflicted social invisibility or being friends with someone? 

I sincerely hope the answer is obvious. 

PS. A note on some of the responses I received:

I don't mean to make him stand out as the example of this problem. He isn't the only one who's done this. He's just the most recent.  I'm not here to point fingers or make anyone feel stupid. I'm just saying my piece.

I know he's probably just embarrassed. There was a moment that he "realized" that I'm the same age as his "way older cousin" then promptly attempted to redact the "way" part of that statement.

I can appreciate being embarrassed. I'm embarrassed 90% of the time. But you can't be 16 forever and run and hide every time someone who was present during an embarrassing moment appears.  It's called being an adult.

All right, he's new to this "adulting" thing.  Fair, but adulting takes practice and I have a sneaking suspicion that something in him is telling him that avoiding me isn't the wisest of choices.

The point I've taken forever to make is that this kind of behavior can't be blamed on his youth, because a 34-year-old did something similar to a friend of mine a few weeks ago too. There is something else going on.

On Sunday, my church friends and I were talking about what "charity as the pure love of Christ" really means. What struck me is how applicable charity is outside of the obvious. Charity means seeing each person you come in contact with as a full, multi-faceted, brilliant human being. You have to see their potential as a son or daughter of God, but you also have to appreciate and love their fallen state. We all have an inherent beauty and grace in our humanity that deserves respect.

I recognize the lesson in charity tells me that I should be patient and forgiving about what has happened, so I shall strive to be. But also, there is a lesson to those who have the proclivity to run and hide or push away those who don't fit the bill.

God asks us to do the opposite of what comes naturally. He tells us to pay tithes even when there doesn't seem to be enough money, he asks us to fast when we need comfort, even though as Americans we're taught to eat in times of stress and discomfort. And, most importantly for this way too long post, He asks us to be charitable to everyone, even those we would rather run away from in embarrassment.

Life is short and made all the better for all more interesting people you know. Maybe she (or he for the ladies who commit the aforementioned offense) isn't completely what you want, but if she fun and a good conversationalist she'll likely improve the quality of your life as a friend.

With love,
Nicole Shepard