Faith and Fear: Making decisions (Part I)

I have not seriously written on a blogging platform for a long time it seems. It’s been hard for me to discern exactly what it is that has kept me away for so long from something that has done so much for me in the past.

I have come to the conclusion that I see only a small piece of my 24-year-old self in the person I am today. I was so brazenly opinionated about everything. Class-A know-it-all.  I felt like the world should listen and heed my wisdom.

Now I am 28, rounding in on 29 and as the song goes I’m finally “old enough to know that I am too young to know a thing.”

The things I write now are more musings of what I find mysterious and elusively exquisite in the world around me.

Yeah, okay, but what is it? How detailed? Where does His plan stop and my choice begin?
How involved is all of this?

I am currently enduring an experience that has me profoundly stumped on a spiritual level.  The kind of stumped that makes my brain fuzzy and useless.

We are told to choose faith over fear.  It’s an easy enough sermon to preach (and trust me I probably have on more than one occasion), but it’s a delicate and seemingly impossible choice sometimes. 

It’s like the paradox of free will versus God’s will or consequences to bad choices versus the “such is life” mantra to hardships (and according to that vorbe, life is a bummer).

I recently had an experience that made me really think about choosing faith over fear and all the complications that come along with that motto.

I’ve been attempting the life of a freelance writer for the last year. Every “real” job I’ve had in the last 12 months has basically been there to supplement my feeble income.  This has been great fun and all, but it has gotten me into a bit of a dire financial situation.

To make things a little more complicated, in a month a person very important to me will become nearly completely financially dependent on me for at least of few months.

I alone will be paying a hefty rent, the absurd autumn/winter utility bills and buying the bulk of our food. I’m happy to do this. I want to do this. But if I keep trying to be the “free artist” I’ve been trying to be, it ain’t gonna to happen.  

So, I’ve been on a furious job hunt over the last month. And for those of you in the middle of/recently outside of a job hunt, you know what a nightmare it is. Applications are a pain. Interviews are torture. I haven’t been this mentally tired in a very long time.

But, this week the clouds parted and two tiny beams of sunlight fell upon my pale, withering face. A company I applied at called me in for an interview and a recruiter contacted me for a position she’s looking to fill.

Company #1 is swell-ish. Nice benefits, decent-ish pay, but horribly boring sounding work. It isn’t even remotely in my career field. So naturally, I wasn’t in the interview for more than 10 minutes before they offered me the job.

Company #2 is a dream. Interesting and varied work, great culture, lovely benefits and great pay. On top of it all, it’s on the type of avenue I’d like to take my career for a walk on for a while.

I NEED the job at company #2, if not for my sanity, then as prevention of my becoming homeless. Naturally, they did not immediately offer me the job.

I had less than 24 hours to get back to Co. #1, thus I was crossing my fingers that Co. #2 would not take more than 18 hours to decide if they liked me or not.

The day of truth came. A decision had to be made on my part. Should I take the sure thing or walk away from it, gambling on the big payoff?

I never felt good about Co. #1. Not when I applied, not when they called me in, not during the interview, not when they offered me the job. It felt wrong on multiple levels. But, money is money and I NEED money.

I asked friends and people I admire what I should do. Most said take the first job, then walk away if I get the second. Logical. Sensible: Obviously the obvious thing to do. Why would I even wonder what to do when the choice is so obvious, logical, and sensible?

Well, my guilt register was set at maximum at birth and the idea of making Co. #1 pay for my training period only to lose me a few weeks later would have made my guilt needle pop right off its meter.

Like I said, I never felt right about that job. BUT THE MONEY! Did I mention that I really needed the money?

Time was ticking away and I felt like taking the job with Co. #1 would have been an act of fear. It was too easy. It felt like bait dangling deliciously in front of my stupid fish face.

Decision made, right? I don’t want to be a stupid fish face. “Walk away and choose faith Nicole! After all a recruiter called you! It’s a sign. Do the right thing, choose faith,” so said the fibers of my being.

But, I’m a Mormon and we are not a sign-seeking people!  We are consider-both-options, reason-it-out-in-your-mind, and move-forward-in-faith people!

And what if I choose what I think is the faith-based choice, but it turns out what looked like “faith” was just more dollar signs and free golfing passes?  The distracting, shiny objects of my generation.

Maybe the right choice is being sensible and responsible and not getting distracted by the fanciness of Co. #2?

What if I think that Co. #2 is the right choice just because I want it to be? Then I walk away from the obvious, “protect your own ass” option for... nothing.

What if Co. #2 doesn’t even end up offering me a position? What if I went with my perceived “faith” and thus miss the safety net of Co. 1, so lovingly provided me by a benevolent and thoughtful God?  What if what I think is an act of faith is actually an act of greed/ thoughtlessness?

OR even worse, what if this is one of those situations that God is leaving entirely up to me? What if the recruiter found me because of LinkedIn’s algorithms and not because God pulled some cosmic strings?  Maybe what I think is a faith > fear test is really just 100% up to me and I’m putting stock into the idea that one is meant to be?

Whatever the right answer may be, all I knew in that moment was that I had until 7pm to contact Co. #1 and time was ticking away.

To be continued...