Faith and Fear: A Conclusion (Part III)

I am having a hard time.

I'm stressed and disappointed and afraid.

I have a lot of fear. I don't like being afraid so I mask it with anger. I feel the need to lash out and place blame. I've taken out my fear in anger on people whom I love and in no way deserved it. Maybe most significantly I've taken my fear out on God.

Nothing is going right. Little possibilities rise and for a brief moment of hope I feel like all is saved and I reach out as the possibility fades. I am like a cat chasing a laser pointer and I'm starting to figure out it isn't catchable. This reality infuriates me. It infuriates me because it scares me.

What if I only ever get red dots and mirages?

I feel like I'm under water and I'm waiting for someone to throw me a life preserver and I'm scared it's not coming. And I feel like my eyeballs are going to pop out from the pressure.

I'm now convinced this way of experiencing my reality is bad for me. Not only spiritually, but physically. My body is doing weird things. I struggle to get full breaths, my cells feel like splinters, and my fingers inexplicably swell up from time to time.

I woke up this morning thinking crazy thoughts so I decided to chill myself out by reading Mosiah 7 where Ammon finds the long lost band of Nephites who have been held in bondage for years.

Nothing like people in bondage to give you some perspective.

My life really isn't so bad. So I don't know where I'm going to be or how I'm going to pay the bills in a month?  What's that to BONDAGE? 

The thought came to me: what would happen if I just decided to change the way I see my situation? 

What if I just decide to take the power away from my fear?  What if I finally recognize that my fear is just an emotional reaction to stimuli likely over estimated by my excessive imagination? What if I acknowledge that my fear cannot hurt me, but really only has the power to rob me of my happiness?

I genuinely remember nothing of the last month beyond being the personification of anxiety.

That's a month of my life gone.

So what would happen if I just walked away from fear, worry and anger?  What would happen if I just choose a different attitude?

What would happen if I actually chose faith over fear?

I don't know, but I guess that's the point.

(update on the job situation: after a month of Co. #2 dragging its feet and asking me to respond to prompts and send in endless writing samples they just stopped answering my emails and never called me back. I've been in the dating world long enough to know what that means.)